Krissh 3: The Indian Superhoarding

Krrish Equation

Kaal Equation

WARNING: THIS REVIEW DOES NOT CONTAIN ANY SPOILERS. IF YOU SEE ANY SIMILARITIES BETWEEN KRRISH AND BATMAN + SUPERMAN + SPIDERMAN + HULK, YOU ARE WRONG. IF YOU SEE SIMILARITIES BETWEEN KAAL AND ROBOCOP + IRONMAN + MAGNETO + PROFESSOR X, YOU ARE VERY VERY WRONG. 
KRRISH 3 IS A MOVIE WHICH IS PURELY ORIGINAL. LIKE MOST INDIAN PAAP-CULTURE.

A jewelry store is being robbed. The thieves arrive on the scene and the two security guards, sitting on guard, run away immediately after they see people in masks. As we all know, people wearing masks are the scariest thing ever. So the thieves have it easy as they enter the store and start destroying random things.
But, they don't know that one of the security guards is actually Peter Parker. Peter Parker dons his costume in a nearby alley. Then, he becomes Hulk. Hulk jumps to the top of the building and drops down again, cape-fluttering and all. He transforms into Neo from the Matrix, goes on the beat up the thieves and saves the day.

This is only the beginning. Krrish 3 is a movie which is as original as Akon's voice, Pamela Anderson's tits and Priyanka Chopra's lips.
It starts off with a very old-withered-wrinkly Rohit Verma (Hritik Roshan, version 1.0 from Koi... Mil Gaya) reviving a dead plant by using Jadoo's secret sunlight induced powers. Krishna and his wife, Priya (Priyanka Chopra), gather around this new contraption to witness the wonders of nature. Rohit puts a prism in the middle of a lot of reflected beams of light and aims a concentrated beam at the dead plant. The plant springs to life. But wait! It also starts burning up.

"What happened Dad?" asks his overly-muscular, idiotic son.
"The power of the sun is too powerful! We need a filter which can give out precise quantities of the energy to the plant," replies Rohit.
Krishna looks thoughtful for a while and says, "A filter with a brain?"
Ol' Rohit nods his head. "Yes. A filter with a brain."

There are some epic moments in the movie where you just burst out laughing. If you are a super-hero movie buff, you cannot help but see similarities between all the superhero movies you have ever seen and Krrish 4. Krrish jumps from one building to the other like Hulk, runs like the Flash, glides down with his leathery lehenga fluttering like Batman and issues "Kids! Don't try this at home" warnings like Shaktiman.
Sorry Shaktiman.
In one particular scene, Krrish's Superman-inspired-ultra-sensitive ears pick up the voice of a child screaming far in the distance. He runs to find a kid entangled in what seems like wires used by poverty-stricken people to steal electricity from blaady upper-class bastards. As if on cue, the kid manages to slip through the complicated mass of wires and falls down in slow motion, screaming "Mummyyyyy". Krrish does a very awkward, jump-maneuver after the falling kid. You are thinking that he will land on the ground and catch the kid, but no, he turns into Batman instead, swoops in to save the kid and takes him to a ledge.
He says to the kid (who is actually Shashi Kapoor from Deewar),

Krrish: Tum bhi Krrish ho.
Shashi Junior: Tumhare paas costume hai, mask hai, powers hai, mere paas kya hai?
Krrish: Tumhare paas dil hai. Tumhare dil mein Krrish hai.

You actually expect him to go "Tumhare paas Maa hain," since his mother is screaming out his name from 5 floors below, hands outstretched and all, while these two sit on the ledge and chat away.

Vivek Oberoi, who plays Kaal, can be seen in a new avatar in this movie. He is actually Professior Xavier who is holed up in a secret laboratory in some snowy location on top of a mountain. He is trying to develop a cure for his below-the-neck paralysis by merging Human DNA with Animal DNA and then injecting the bone marrow of that creature into his own. But wait, the best part is when he gives a name to these mutants.

Kaal: Dekho, maine jaanwar aun maanav ke DNA ko milakar ye creatures taiyaar kiye hai.
*Moves his eyes to show off his creations. They get up one by one and showcase their special abilities*
Kaal: Yeh hai mere "MAANWAR".

Slow clap. From now onwards, mutants have a Hindi name too. Maanwar. Sheer genius, I tell you.
Kaal, sadly, doesn't find a DNA match to cure himself. In the process, he creates Mystique (Kangana "Latex" Ranaut), The Flash (with boobs), Rhino, Venom (without his venomous alieny powers but with a sticky tongue),  and Nightcrawler (In a Latex thong).
Kaya, our Indian version of Mystique, has very strange makeup on. Her eyes seem joint over a non-existent bridge of the nose and her eyebrows are hinting towards a unibrow formation. Not just that, she walks like a ramp model even during fight scenes. She sometimes goes into Cat-woman mode and does random athletic backflips on top of buildings. Kaal keeps throwing objects like ashtrays and fake hair at her randomly. If there were any justice in this universe, he would be reported for domestic violence.
Did I mention that Kaal has Telekinetic powers? Here is one particular dialogue which shows you how "powerful" of a telekinetic he is:

Kaya: Kaal, tumhe bone marrow mil jaega. Koshish karte raho.
Kaal: Kaya, abhi toh bas mein do ungliyan hila sakta hun aur dekho mere powers kitne powerful hai. Socho, agar main pura shareer hila paata toh kya kya kar paata!
Kaya: Magar tumhe ye powers mile kaise?
*throws an ashtray at her face*
Kaal: KAYA! Tumne bohot badi galati kar di mujhe ye pooch kar. Kyunki mujhe bhi pata nahi mujhe ye powers kaise mile!

Then they go on to show a sepia flashback where a young version of Kaal, who looks a lot like Edward Cullen, asks his dad how he got these powers. His dad says that he has no clue. So Kaal throws a knife at him and kills him. Simple.

So the whole movie is based on the premise that Kaal Pharmaceuticals keeps creating viruses, unleashing them on different countries and then creates an antidote for the same virus to extract money from hapless governments. The funds are used to further Kaal's research and create more Maanwars. Tohtally believable since they have a LIVE feed of the virus spreading in the countries. Then they decide to target India and how:

Kaal: Hum iss baar virus uss country mein spread karenge jahan population jyada hai. Humare do options hai India aur China.
Kaya: China mein population jyada hai. Waha chodd dete hai Virus.
Kaal: Nahi. Let's target India.
Kaya: Par kyun Kaal, KYUN?
Kaal: Kyunki India mein laakhon Bhagwaan hai.

Wait, what? So they target India because India has a lot of Gods? That is Indian Paap Culture logic for you. Right there.

There is no shred of evidence that there is anything original in this movie excluding the songs. Mahatma Gandhi's favorite song has been ripped apart, remixed and turned into a beat-heavy song to which Priyanka Chopra gyrates with much aplomb. Gandhi must have died again after he saw that from his heavenly abode.

If the movie makes any sense till this point, post interval, it completely loses it. There is a whole espionage thing where Kaya replaces Priyanka Chopra and starts playing wifey, sings a song with Krishna in Colarado, does push-ups in a very transparent dress on the hot sand, Rohit goes to Singapore for a completely random reason, Rhino-Maanwar decides to take a dump in Dharawi and Frog-Venom-Maanwar goes on an Ice-cream scoop stealing spree using his extremely long and sticky tongue. There is a plot twist thrown in there too. Which makes you wonder if Jadoo was a serial human humping alien or Rohit Mehra was a serial human humping human.
Yes bitches! This happens.
You also find out in the beginning of the movie that Priyanka Chopra has the movie sequel, Krrish 4, in her womb. Everyone in the movie is extremely happy that she has given them a contract for another movie after Krrish 3. In one particular scene, the audience is left thinking for five whole minutes that Krrish 4 is dead. The cast is left hopeless and poverty stricken for FIVE WHOLE MINUTES. But no. Of course Krrish 4 is happening, I mean come awn!

The movie is a big advertisement for men's vests, Tomato sauce, purple sedans and in one particular scene, an entertainment website. Picture this:

Kaal put an iron rod through our beloved Krrish. Krrish is pseudo dying in true Bollywood style, tears are streaming down Priyanka Chopra's lips like kids going down the craziest slide in Water Kingdom. It's all very emotional. 

No really. And then, when all of this is happening, in the background you see:

"HUNGAMA.COM: Entertainment Unlimited"

Kaal eventually finds his bone marrow in Rohit Mehra. The movie actually explains how Stephen Hawking was created. After Kaal has Rohit's bone marrow running through his... uh... bones, the camera pans to Rohit who is sitting slack-jawed in a wheelchair. Throw in a Microsoft Sam speech engine there and you have Stephen Hawking reciting "A Brief History of Time."
And then what does Kaal do after he starts walking again? He becomes Iron Man. He starts pulling Iron sheets from his surrounding and makes a suit that looks oddly like a kid in Kindergarten would draw Robocop. Well, he just looks like a very misshapen Rugby player. Kaal flies (of course, he flies) to Mumbai. There he tries to convince people not to play cricket anymore and adopt Rugby as the national sport by crushing a few Fiat cars with his bare Telekinetic invisible hands.
Krrish flies to Mumbai after him, fights him in mid-air, crashing through a lot of corporate buildings and eventually destroys Mukesh Ambani's Antilla in a 9/11-esque sequence. In the process, he does unspeakable things to a baby.
Oh the horror!

In the end, Krishna and Priya spawn a Flying Centipede.
The child is named Krrish 4 and he is seen standing on top of a builting, looking over Marine Drive like a true character from Assassins Creed.

THE END