Arnab Goswami vs. The World

 


Announcer: Now on to Arnab Goswami with the News Hour, where he will have a debate on whether or not India should welcome the FDI in retail.

Arnab: (#outrage) Mister Announcer, did you know that in Bengali, Arnab is pronounced differently? You have 10 seconds.

 


Announcer: Oh sorry, OrnOb, the Teleprompter confused me.

 

Arnab: (More #outrage) Mister Announcer, do you mean to say that the technology man has created is flawed? A technology that helps epic people like me place points surgically into the debate?

 


Announcer: I said nothing as such. I just meant that I read it wrong. Sorry.

Arnab: (Epic #Outrage) Mister Announcer, do you mean to say that you are incompatible for this job because you don't even know how to pronounce my name as per Bengali norms? Are you against all Bengali's in this country mister announcer? Are you a jehadi terrorist who wants to kill all Bengali's Mister Announcer?

 


Announcer: uhh...

Arnab: (YOU-SHALL-DIE #OUTRAGE!) Enough said Mister Announcer. (turns to the audience) India has to answer a very important question today. A question that will affect the lives of billions. Is the announcer union in India after the blood of all Bengali people? Are they hiding nuclear bombs in their basements? Are they training themselves in Bangladesh and launching their terror onto India? or is it all... a ploy of the UPA Government?

This man, yes, this man here is the best thing that has ever happened to Indian Media. First we had a tom-boyish Barkha Dutt shoving her opinionated questions up our noses; we had a very tired-looking, dark circled, unibrowed Rajdeep Sardesai shoving questions in our ears; we also had a very serious Prannoy Roy who smiled and bombed our heads with questions. But then came along Arnab Goswami. He shoved every viewer into his questions rather that shoving his questions into the viewers.
Arnab Goswami sends people running for their lives when his elbow rests on the glassy studio table. The panelists in his debate, towards the beginning of the show, are sitting with their backs straight and heads held high. At the end of the show, they have slid kilometers down their seats, their backs look like boomerangs and they don't seem to have any chins. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, these are the epic powers of Arnab Goswami.

He is always outraged. In fact, he is more outraged than outrage itself!
This man has taken it up to systematically scare every celebrity in India until he/she is constipated. And he gives them precisely 10 seconds to explain their situation. Yes, 10 seconds. Because he thinks that anything more than this given time, is a sheer waste.
Scientists and linguists in India are now trying to create a shorthand spoken language precisely for this purpose. If Arnab Goswami cannot increase the time to more than 10 seconds, we have no other choice but to fit more words into the given 10 seconds.
His debates on News Hour have a through-the-roof-towards-the-sky-at-rocket-speed TRP, as the viewers are glued to the television, hanging on to the every word of this media God. Later, when he ends the show by giving a magnanimous verdict, they stare slack jawed at how much they learnt from this man -- not the 10 panelists who appear in 10 different windows, mind you -- in the last two hours. Yes, even though it is called the Newshour, it goes on for two hours. He will come up with the most amazing and unimaginable interpretations of what people say (in 10 seconds) and give a rhetorical verdict.

His hand on that table swivels from one direction to the other like a glass door in the busiest fast food restaurant in the country. Goswami never faces the camera while in a debate for his piercing gaze is trying to bore through each of his panelists, reducing them to lumps of flesh and bones, on their chairs. One after the other.
This man is so awesome that he was mentioned by none other than Mani Shankar Aiyar himself (!!!) in the Parliament -- I repeat -- The Parliament, as the '10 second man' (No sexual innuendo intended. But you can take it now, anyway).
He is the master of interruption, interchangeability and interpretation. Yes, all three of those glorious words that begin with 'inter'. If he were Minister of Broadcasting, he would disallow any sort of Intervals in the debates too. The three stooges of Indian Media -- Barkha, Rajdeep and Prannoy -- take furious notes while watching his recorded debates. They go home and practice the art of Goswami-ism in front of the mirror.
They go, "Mister Mirror on the wall, who is the Goswamiest of them all?"
And what does the mirror say?
Nothing.
Like the panelists in News Hour, the sheer mention of Goswami leaves the mirror speechless. The puny mirror is left reflecting whatever the perpetrator of Goswami-ism wants it to reflect.
This debate is so amazing that you have to go through a procedure of selection in order to become the Audience of his debates. A procedure that is more difficult than the selection methods of IIMs and IITs combined! Once you get in, you can see the Media God in action. He curses and blesses with utmost accuracy taking care not to overlap the advertisement time allocations.
Goswami is known far and wide for his debate conclusions. He hits you with the most amazing observations on the issue and leaves a answer --- I mean question. Right, question. --- suspending in your minds. The question is usually on the lines of, "This is something that will affect the lives of billions of people in India. Is the UPA Government responsible for...".

From Poverty to Aishwarya Rai Bachchan's pregnancy.
From Mamta Banerjee's inane comments to Vijay Mallaya's beer drinking habits.
From Rahul Gandhi's beard to Akhilesh Yadav's wicked nose.
From SRK's bar brawls to the South-Indians lynching North-Indians.
From Bal Thakarey's Saamna, the truth to Salman Rushdie's handwriting while writing the Midnight's children.

Everything... EVERYTHING, according to him, is the UPA government's fault.
And Goswami has taken it upon him to question it all with an intense display of succulent outrage. Every time someone from the Government appears on one of his debates, when the person reaches home, he skips dinner, runs upstairs and cries his heart out with his face tucked in the pillow. He cries for all the sins he has committed till date.
If you get a call from Newshour, you just don't say no. You can come late but you will be penalized by deducting your expression time to 7 seconds. 3 seconds less!

Goswami always does his research. You can see him referring to his mass databank of notes as his hand swivels; his brain processing the data and getting ready to fire the next batch of questions at the victim through his awesome hand. His questions are then like bullets from a semi-automatic sniper rifle. If Arnab Goswami were to play counter-strike, he would get the most head-shots.

Goswami interviewed General Musharraf once. Here is an excerpt to give you an example of his sheer awesomeness.
He asked him -- with #outrage -- "Mister Musharraf... sorry General Musharraf... Did you, or DID YOU NOT, know that Osama bin Laden was living in Pakistan?"

Mush said, "I have always said that I don't know. Interviewers have been insistently asking me is Laden in Pakistan I say I don't know. It were interviewers like you who assumed things like..."

More Outrage. Then Arnab shuffles through his papers and raises his Godly hand. "BUT BUT BUT Mister Mush... I mean General Musharraf... in 2008 you said Laden is in Afghanistan. But he was in Pakistan since 2005. What do you say about that?"

Mush gets agitated and replies, "I might have said those things but..."

"BUT BUT BUT Mister Mush... I mean General Musharraf... you said so in a press conference!"

"I might have. I am saying I MIGHT HAVE! But it was not based on any evidence. It was a general expression of feelings that were not supported by any evidence."

Now Arnab has the fish in the net. Now it's time to roll up the net, pull out the fish, gut it and put it on the Tandoor till it is a succulent dish. Which will be later served for the whole of India to enjoy. Finger licking Good.
He raises both his hands (!!!) and starts making his surgical points, "So General Musharraf, do you mean to say that a veteran army officer like you, a man who is responsible for a whole country, a man who is the President and is taken very seriously, YOU General Musharraf, made a general comment without any supportive evidence?" 

*Head Shot*

Musharraf looked disturbed. He replied, "Don't put words in my mouth. I have said no such thing and I did not know about Laden's location..."

"BUT BUT BUT sir, I have utmost respect for you and I am not putting words in your mouth. I will quote you from the conference."

Mushy boy is calm but you can see that he is getting visibly agitated. "I have nothing else to say on the issue except that I did not...."

"THAT THAT THAT you don't know the location of Laden," concludes Goswami.

This went on for a bit with him questioning Mush about all of the other things involved in the "Kill that SOB Laden" operation done by the USA. This man is unstoppable. Every one of his 'BUT BUT BUT' is like a US army operation into Afghanistan. The conclusion is always what he wants it to be.
Controversial.
When his show is on, he is like the conducter of an orchestra. Ten people in ten different windows and two people in his studio. If he had long hair and a stick in his hand, people would have actually thought that all he is doing is extracting different sounds out of the different voice-boxes that are present at his disposal. It's a beautiful symphony that he creates. Even the cast of Glee is jealous of this maestro.
If this man is not epic, I don't know who is.
So tune in to News Hour @ 9, on Times Now and get your mind blown apart by Goswami head-shots.