When Orkutiyas become Authors

I stumbled upon these incredible range of Indian love stories recently. Dirt-cheap books full of grammatical mistakes and masochism that makes you roll on the floor till you die. Remember your old Orkut days, where people left scraps like, "Thnx fr beng my freind. WAZZZUP!?" and comments like, "UR PHOTO IZ SO BEUATIFULLLLLSSSS!"? Well, now imagine a whole book written like that. Who wouldn't want to read it?
The thing about these books is that they are written by one of the millions engineering students in our country who go to colleges like Lovely Professional University and JIIT. Then they read a Chetan Bhagat book just for the sex scene in it and decide to write one themselves. I mean, of course they do. Anyone who reads a Chetan Bhagat feels like they can become a writer.
Like THIS GUY:

It gives you an insight into which are the people supporting NaMoron, Pappuji, Yo Yo Honey Singh and have email addresses like "Akki_I_Love_You_Forever@gmail.com". They belch out their innermost thoughts in these books. For example:
"The important question that hit me was, IS SHE FAT OR SLIM?" 
"LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE, NOT ONE PEOPLE."
Isn't this the basic question that troubles the youth of today? That the woman he has been talking to for 24 hours on a free calling Reliance CDMA, since the last 8 months, is fat or not? Is she ugly or chinky? If she is, then OMGodz ho jayega yaar!

The first book I picked up was "The Journey of Two Hearts" by Anuj Tiwari. The back-cover of the book says,

"THE JOURNEY OF TWO HEARTS... is a TRUE Love Story of protagonist Anuj Tiwari and the bird of desires Pakhi. What happened that night that changed everything and broke the golden nest of love?"

Here are a few brilliant excerpts from the book.

I just laughed at the word romance, never believed in love, as it's all about PAIN...SORROW...COMPROMISES...SACRIFICES...TENSION...nevertheless; STILL CONFUSED.

'Are you ready for sacrifices? Are you ready to pick her call at mid night and just to listen, BACCHA...HUGGIE...JAANU...SHONA...BABY...please sula do ninni nahi aa rahi and blah? blah? Are you ready to say SHONA twenty times a day?' Voice came from my heart.

He uses upper case everywhere in the book whenever his fingers are BURSTING with EMOTION. He also uses it when he wants to make it sound like he is UTTERLY CONSTIPATED after FALLING in ICKY PINK HEARTED LUVVVV.

 'Yes, ask?' She replied, her clinking voice...NICE VOICE. Somewhere I was ATTRACTED with that and remembered all conversations with customer care girls of Airtel that we used to do for fun in the nights and their sweet voice was enough for sound sleep.

Uhh. After reading this, I felt so much compassion for the customer care executives who call me three times a day to sell some plan or the other. I actually listened to a woman who was trying to sell me a post-paid plan before politely declining and telling her to have a good day.
I could imagine her BURSTING into TEARS after hearing a KINDLY VOICE on the OTHER END.

There is no importance of sweetness without SOUR, there is no importance of GOOD without BAD, there is no importance of SMILE without TEARS, there is no LIFE without FATE but one thing is above all...LOVE and that makes you GREAT...I was one of them, CRAZY...MAD...AASHIQ. 

My mind was left blown after reading pages and pages of him describing love and puking out his emotions. This book has the word "love" - with alternative spellings like "Luv", "loveeeee", "Laaaav" - plastered on every page. Right from the beginning to the end.
And the high point of this book was the sex scene. Let me give you just a few lines which were used in the process of describing his PASSIONATE LOVE-MAKING.

I kissed her on lips, placed my palm inside her top, and moved her stomach. She laughed and removed my hand.

I jumped and switched off the lights within seconds and I came on bed. I claimed her lips with passionate kiss. I kissed very passionately. She kissed me more than four times with my pace. She loving me madly, I pushed her back but then suddenly, she locked my lower lip with her two lips. She won the battle of kisses and I lost the battle with low score.

I came on her. Pictures of her my life-partner flashed in my head. She turned and came on my chest. I rolled again and came on her. I snatched my hand and palm on her breast. I could feel how mature she was. 

Er... Thank you for this Chetan Bhagat?
And I leave you with praise for this book.