That time I watched Supermodel.

  There is a problem living in places with poor internet. Youtube does not load quickly enough. I'm serious! I've had ads buffer on me. All one can do is let youtube buffer and do something else in the meantime. Thus it was that I came to watch Supermodel. 

Supermodel stars Veena Malik, that extremely talented woman; Ashmit Patel, best known for being Amisha Patel's brother and living proof that there is someone sadder than you; and Bobby Darling. The rest of the cast comprises people chosen for being uglier than Veena Malik. 

I shall attempt to summarize Supermodel as it happened to me. The movie starts off with Ashmit Patel being introduced as a hotshot photographer called Monty. We know he is hotshot because everyone says he is. Veena Malik, meanwhile, is praying to pin-ups of Salman and Shahrukh (one assumes because they're supposed to be the gods of bollywood.) Monty is assigned to be the photographer in charge of some rich wine-baron's swimsuit calendar to promote his new health-friendly wine. Veena Malik, meanwhile, is trying to hit it big in bollywood. She aims to do this by meeting sleazy men pretending to be directors. And here is where the movie first messes with your mind. 

The scene suddenly cuts to Jackie Shroff in some green area and he starts either narrating the movie or providing an advisory. I'm not sure which it was because we  were too busy going "What the Fuck?!? What's Jackie Shroff doing here? Why did he suddenly come up?"

Jackie Shroff talking about entering bollywood.

Roopali (Veena Malik) tries to meet directors and keeps getting offers to act in sleazy movies -- starring the director himself --  or in condom advertisements. Interestingly enough, my friend correctly predicted that the dude was going to offer her a condom ad. I'm not sure if he's a prophetic genius or someone with the same intellect as the dialogue writers of this movie. Scene cuts to Jackie Shroff again.

Jackie Shroff on the casting couch.

As Roopali walks away disheartened, random chick (wearing a miniskirt and smoking, so we know she's a bad 'un) tries to convince her that bollywood is no place for sharif people and she would do well to pimp herself. When Roopali hesitates, she advises option B which is to be <insert Dun Dun Dun sound> SUPERMODEL (and no, I did not miss an 'a'. More on that below.) Why Miniskirt McSmokey didn't do so herself is beyond me. I don't even know who or what she was since she never appears again. I'd say she was a talent scout except they aren't known for randomly roaming the streets picking up people to be SUPERMODEL.

Now that  Roopali knows what to do, it's extremely fortunate for her that there are people looking to find fresh faces for a calendar. At last there is the moment that was advertised in the trailers... Bikini show! And so the audience is treated to the sight of three women in bikinis while two men and a woman ogle at them. These are ostensibly the selection panel. The dude in the middle completely ignores woman on left while dude on right (Monty) merely ogles the women.

Judge(s) Dread!

Having selected the women, they're off to Fiji! This is an excellent moment to ponder the state of affairs in Fiji if this is how they have to advertise their island. Anyway, they're in Fiji and staying in a hotel with two of the creepiest attendants ever. Monty and the rest get down to partying and we're  subjected to the movie's title song. This consists of various words and a chorus going "I wanna be be be be be be Supermodel!"

Jackie Shroff on the lyricist's grammar.

The models get down to contorting themselves on the beach while Monty takes photographs. In their downtime they amuse themselves by having petty arguments and catfights. These are broken up by Monty who is, in addition to being a photographer, also the class monitor apparently. Roopali, in the meantime, is advised by Bobby Darling (called Bobby in the movie) to put the moves on Monty if she wants to win (and now it's a contest? When did that happen? Oh well.) Monty the playboy falls for her hook, line and sinker, and so wants to stop being a playboy. Of course.

Seen here with only woman who does not slap him.

Meanwhile, random dude called Rohit keeps hitting on the women and -- since he is either extremely bad at it or extremely new at it -- keeps getting hit by them. I don't know what his role in the movie is but judging from the way he tries to seduce the women he must have something to do with this competition we keep hearing about.

After the first slap, Rohit retires to the poolside (which is where we always see him when he's not hitting on women) and gets drunk. The creepy twosome begin to incite him in the most painfully obvious and annoying manner. Rohit leaves in a rage and the next scene shows slapper-woman getting chonked on the head by someone. We're clearly supposed to think that Rohit has killed her, so let us humour them for now.

Rohit getting slapped by ambiguous
Eastern European woman.

You're probably wondering how people don't notice that someone they know has been murdered. Well, when she doesn't show up for the shoot, they send Veena Malik to her room and she discovers a note taped to the headboard saying she, the model, has left for India since her dad is ill. My teachers in school didn't believe that but these guys are like "Yeah, that makes sense. Damn her unprofessionalism!" and zoom off. Monty finds out that Veena Malik has been playing him for the fool that he is and Rohit gets slapped again.

Then, that night, scary music plays as Veena Malik slowly creeps out of her room and sneaks down the stairs... only to be grabbed by Monty and questioned about her creeping about. Clearly Monty has not heard about the whole "healer heal thyself" thing. Suddenly, scary music resumes, camera tracks a model and then *chonk* she's an ex-model. It's obvious we're supposed to think "Veena Malik was sure acting suspicious before this scene. I bet she's the killer. She's removing the competition!" Anyway, the ol' note on headboard trick is repeated and amazingly, it works again. These people are worse than horny teenagers in a Jason flick.

Rohit hits on woman number three, woman number three responds (Hallelujah!) and meets him by the poolside (does Rohit not have a room or is he Aquaman?) She goes off to change into her costume after exchanging some of the most cringe-worthy dialogues ever -- and I've seen Bodyguard. My friend again went "This dude is not going to leave this poolside ever again." And the subsequent *chonk* proved I need to find better friends.

The face of a detective!

Woman-number-three returns, sees blood but no body and screams bloody murder. Everybody gathers round even though it's supposed to be the middle of the night. One dude is even wearing a suit. Maybe he was having a conference call. I don't know. Anyway, the next day Monty uses his awesomeballs detective skills and deduces that the notes were written by Rohit and he's faked his murder and run off. Genius!

Now here I must confess something which will make you hate me. Our youtube video finished buffering and so I never got to watch the end of Supermodel. I have no idea what happens after this and I have no idea who's the killer. It could be Bobby Darling for all I know. It probably is Bobby Darling. I'm happy to not know. I can pretend it's an adaptation of And then there were none. 

Sunny Deol is off the screen.

Veena Malik is a work of art. She can emote but she has no idea of which emotion is appropriate for which action. Thus, when she's revealing her chicanery to Monty, she looks as pleased as a cat that found the kitchen open. Ashmit Patel of course, gives us a stunning imitation of a plank of wood. On the bollywood scale of emoting (picture right) he is decidedly on the Arjun Rampal side of things. Veena Malik is like a signed integer that has had to accept a value of 32,768. She's overflowed and changed signs. 

This movie leaves one with many questions, and that's not just because I didn't watch it completely. When did it become a contest? Why does a liquor baron want to launch a health-friendly wine? What on earth is a health-friendly wine? And what the fuck was Jackie Shroff doing?

Nana tells it like it is.