Salman "VIRGIN" Khan: Koffee With Karan

BREAKING NEWS: SALMAN KHAN IS A VIRGIN.

I'm a Virgin, biatch!

So that is what it was all about.

Karan Johar is back. With a very fancy and musical intro. Karan Johar's "Koffee with Karan" aired the first episode of Season 4. It was a once-in-a-lifetime-never-before-on-Indian-television interview with Salman Khan. But it seemed like a psychotic man had gone to visit his therapist and was spilling his guts out while he was stoned. Salman Khan is also a Teetotaler now, by the by. But he did look stoned.
Here is a small snapshot of this godawesome episode:

Karan Johar: Salman Khan, have you ever considered marriage?

Salman Khan: Yes. I have come so close. A couple of times. SO. CLOSE. But it didn't work. In fact, I have never slept with anyone.

KJ: Are you, Salman Khan, telling me on my show Koffee With Karan -- which is spelt so because I wanted it to rhyme -- that YOU are a VIRGIN?

*Supreme Leader Arnab Goswami's presence is felt on the show*

Sallu: Yes. I am a virgin.

KJ: virgin virgin virgin virgin virgin virgin virgin virgin virgin virgin virgin virgin virgin virgin virgin virgin virgin virgin virgin virgin virgin virgin virgin virgin...
So you have had girlfriends?

Sallu: Yep. Millions of them.

KJ: So Virgin Salman Khan, what do you do as a Virgin to them, since you are still a Virgin and don't sleep with them but has had many girlfriends as a Virgin?

Sallu: You know what, I will show you. Come here for a live demonstration on how a Virgin, such as I, treats a girl and does PDA. We hold our Virgin hands and stuff, you see.

Salman Khan doing PDA and shit.

KJ: VIRGIN VIRGIN VIRGIN VIRGIN. So, you don't sleep with them? VIRGIN VIRGIN VIRGIN.

Sallu: I like to sleep alone. It's so comfortable.

KJ: virgin virgin virgin virgin virgin virgin virgin virgin virgin virgin virgin virgin virgin virgin virgin virgin virgin virgin virgin virgin virgin virgin virgin virgin

Sallu: Let me show you how I sleep at night.

How Salman Khan sleeps at night. Wow. Never seen anyone sleep like that. EVER.

KJ: THIS is how you sleep at night? Is this your VIRGIN sleep? VIRGIN VIRGIN VIRGIN VIRGIN VIRGIN VIRGIN VIRGIN VIRGIN.

Sallu: Yaaah Maaan. I sleep like this only. It's damn good yaaa.

KJ: VIRGIN VIRGIN VIRGIN VIRGIN VIRGIN VIRGIN VIRGIN VIRGIN.VIRGIN VIRGIN VIRGIN VIRGIN VIRGIN VIRGIN VIRGIN VIRGIN.VIRGIN VIRGIN VIRGIN VIRGIN VIRGIN VIRGIN VIRGIN VIRGIN.

After 20 minutes of shouting VIRGIN, Karan Johar takes a break. Salman Khan says, "Take as many breaks as you want." for some godforsaken reason.

Salman Khan is as good as Rahul Gandhi when he speaks. He was so incoherent at some points that Karan Johar had every emotion between facepalm and Manmohan-Singh (or as we like to call it, straight-face.), during the whole 51 minutes.

Paap Culture Presents...

KARAN JOHAR: THE INDIAN EMOTICON

Oooh. Juicy much!

Awkward Moment Phone Looking.
Also known as, Phubbing.

Vomit Induced Mouth-Palm.
Also known as, Advanced Facepalm.

Pretending to Listen Look.

At one point, Salman Khan goes Lady Gaga on Karan. Not that he puts on a wig and starts singing dubstep emo songs, but he starts saying a lot of random things.

Sallu: So Kailash blessed me once and he took me to his room. He saw my car and said, "Here are five BMW tires, put them in your car." After that he goes in his room and brings out this big pile of brand new jeans which were stacked up and reached his height and they were brand new. Then he gave them to me and said, "Take these. Have fun." Then he took me to a pond and made me put a hand in the water. He asked, "What do you feel?" I said, "Fish." He said, "Yes, there are many fishes in the sea."

Wait, what? Oh never mind. It's Salman Khan.
For some odd reason, he kept bitching about Ranbeer Kapoor. Maybe it's because he stole Katrina Kaif from him (Juicy-Much-Emoticon). Or we would never know why, since celebrities are always *just friends* with every other celebrity on the planet. Sleeping together? Tauba tauba, NEVER EVER. We are just friends. In fact, Salman Khan goes on to say that he coined the term, "We are just friends." and that everyone is using it now.

"I meant it sincerely, you know. Since I am a virgin and they were actually my friends. But then, other celebrities who were sleeping around started using it to hide their night-time activities." - Salman Khan, the Coinage of WE ARE JUST FRIENDS.

#Genius.

Salman Khan also talked about how Shah Rukh Khan passed his house four times a day but still didn't apologize to him for the fugly things he said to him.
"I was the bigger man," he said. "I went up to him in the Iftar Party and shook his hand and shit. Then we exchanged two SMSes after and it was all settled. But he could have come up to my house and rang the doorbell, but NOOOOOO. That bitch."
Karan Johar seems to get bored of this nonsensical man after 40 minutes of banter and non-responses. So, as a distraction, he summons his dad, Salim Khan. Salim Khan tells Karan how his son is actually an idiot who never takes his work seriously. Sallu acknowledges it by saying that most of his movies have no scripts.

"We start making them and while making them they get made and then they finish and shit. So yeah, they are all below average." - Salman Khan, on HOW MOVIES ARE MADE.

After this disaster of an opening, we hope Koffee With Karan features some better actors, who are at least able to understand what they are saying, let alone be funny.
Kareena Kapoor and Ranbeer Kapoor are next!

MORAL OF THE STORY

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