The Host
He is always outraged.
In fact, he is more outraged than outrage itself.
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| Supreme Leader Ornob Goswami |
This man, yes, this man here is the best thing that has ever happened to Indian Television. First we had a tom-boyish Barkha Dutt shoving her opinionated questions up our noses; we had a very tired-looking, dark circled, unibrowed Rajdeep Sardesai shoving questions in our ears; we also had a very serious Prannoy Roy who smiled and bombed our heads with questions. But then came along Ornob Goswami. He shoved every viewer into his questions rather than shoving his questions into the viewers.
Ornob Goswami sends people running for their lives when his elbow rests on the glassy studio table. The panelists in his debate, towards the beginning of the show, are sitting with their backs straight and heads held high. At the end of the show, they have slid kilometers down their seats, their backs look like boomerangs and they don't seem to have any chins. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, these are the epic powers of Supreme Leader Ornob Goswami.
And he is all set to host BIGG BOSS 2014!
The Inmates
After an intense survey involving 3 adults and one child, we are pleased to announce that the following 12 people will be joining us for Bigg Boss 2014.
1. Rewind Kejriwal
He started off as a backstage prop manager in one of the largest protests in modern day India. After seeing his amazing graphic designing skills and artwork, his passionate speeches to catering folks and spot-boys, Anna Hazare took him under his wing. Kejriwal proved to be quite something on stage. His idea of making the Gandhi-cap, which was worn by Nehru, the mark of a common man is nothing short of genius. He even wrote a proclamation on it to make his point. "Main hun aam aadmi."
Kejriwal took advantage of the fact that Congress didn't copyright the word "Aam" and formed his own political party. In Delhi Assembly elections, his party swept everyone off their feet by winning 28 seats. Then he was accused of running away from his responsibilities and not forming the Government, both by the Congress and BJP.
Tired of the whole rhetoric, Rewind Kejriwal decided to EXIT THE NEWS and ENTER THE HOUSE.
2. He-who-must-not-be-blamed
He was a normal chai-wallah, who sold tea to RSS workers and got all the gossip in the house. The Lord used it to his advantage and rose within the BJP. Inspired by the phrase, "Information is power", he captured the Social Media space with utmost alacrity. Today, he is the king of all Social Media outlets in India.
He-who-must-not-be-blamed has been accused of engineering the 2002 Gujarat Riots and the encounter of Ishrat Jahan. The Lord has denied all of these vile accusations and took them in his stride. He has been accused of being a muslim-hater, authoritarian, arrogant and many such adjectives. But that didn't stop him from becoming BJP's PM candidate for 2014.
Bringing with him all the Social Media power, corporate India's blessings and an army of Hindu nationalist trolls, He-who-must-not-be-blamed is now ready to EXIT THE NEWS and ENTER THE HOUSE.
3. Pappu Gandhi
He is the Indian nomination for the next "7 Wonders of the World". Pappu hails from a long line of awesome politicians, who have relentlessly sucked out every shred of hope around them and piled it on their own bodies, inflating their egos to infinity and beyond. The Prince is the product of years of political mistakes and blunders.
As the latest entrant of the Gandhi family, he has sworn to play with the Congress party like his personal Lego set. He has promised to dismantle the previous Lego House of Congress and turn it into an awesome futuristic Spaceship, rivalling the likes of the Death Star.
Bringing with him his trademark beard of power, Pappu Gandhi is ready to EXIT THE NEWS and ENTER THE HOUSE.
4. Uday Khopda
After Sachin Tendulkar, India saw the retirement of another legend. We remember him as the student of Gurukul, frolicking about and romancing a skimpily dressed Shamita Shetty, fighting for the cause of Love hand in hand with SRK. We remember him as a menial mechanic, solving ghastly crimes done by John Abraham, Hritik Roshan and Aamir Khan, never decelerating his ever accelerating super-bike, never looking behind to see whether the pillion has fallen off due to his explosive burst of speed, he is now vrooming his way into the house.
The Pappu of Bollywood, Uday Khopda, is all set to EXIT THE NEWS and ENTER THE HOUSE.
5. Vijay Happy
Once a major leader in the BJP, he was struggling to get noticed again. So he did the unthinkable. He equipped himself with a paint-brush and black-paint, marched to the house of Shoma Chaudhary and painted "ACCUSED" on her Golden nameplate. Even after being bashed on the Newshour by our host, Ornob Goswami, he roams around the streets of Delhi, trying to find his next nameplate target.
Now equipped with colorful spray-paint canisters, but no discernable signs that his handwriting has improved, Vijay Happy is all set to EXIT THE NEWS and ENTER THE HOUSE.
6. Sir Ravindra Jaaneja
When God (read Ornob Goswami, the 10th Avatar of Vishnu) got tired of Chuck Norris, he created Rajnikanth. When Rajnikanth was done, he created Sir Ravindra Jaaneja. It is said that the players in the field come to the pavilion when it's Jaaneja turn to bat. The ball searches for him all over the field before it drops perfectly into his hands. Indian cricket fans don't love Sir Ravindra Jaaneja, Sir Jaaneja loves Indian cricket fans. He is to Indian Cricket what Tusshar Kapoor is to Bollywood.
The demi-god of cricket is ready to field his food supplies, bat for his sleeping hours and bowl out every box of serial. He is going to EXIT THE NEWS and ENTER THE HOUSE.
7. Chetan Baggit
Chetan Baggit is known for his excellent understanding of the young indian mind. He has laid down his sociological, psychological, physical, mental, anthropological and geographical observations tastefully in a number of best selling books. It is said that every 3 people out of 5, who are suffering from heart-break and friend-zoning, turn to Baggit's books for solace and inspiration. He has been the inspiration behind many puppy-eyed-mushy-wushy books about love lives of Engineers.
Equipped with collectors edition hard-back copied of his inspirational books, Chetan Baggit is ready to EXIT THE NEWS and ENTER THE HOUSE.
8. Sagarika Ghost
She invented the term "Internet Hindus" just so that the people of India know who they are bashing on Twitter. Sagarika Ghost is nothing short of a legend. She has been leading the cause of feminism in India ever since she joined Journalism in 1991. The other thing she initiated back then was to get an appointment with the future Chief Minister of West Bengal, Mamata Banerjee, in the year 2012; which was a complete disaster. She is known far and wide as the journalist seer. Her predictions about Rahul Gandhi becoming the future of Indian Politics and Akshay Kumar starting the 300 crore club have been critically acclaimed. Mamata Banerjee has lovingly called her, "MY FABOREET MAAOOEEST".
All set to predict who will get evicted from Bigg Boss next, Sagarika Ghost will now EXIT THE NEWS and ENTER THE HOUSE.
9. Suhel Saint
Popularly known as the most opinionated man on Earth, as far as we can remember, that has been his only job. Giving opinions. Suhel Saint is the only man who has been introduced in a number of forums using "well known Socialite" as a qualification. To get there, this man has tasted many wines, commented on them; met many women, commented on them; attended many parties commented on them; and commented a whole lot more. He has an opinion for everything under the sky and above the earth. He always keeps his middle-ground, so to speak.
Suhel Saint, now tired of commenting on high-class hobbies, is now going to EXIT THE NEWS and ENTER THE HOUSE.
10. Maunmohan Singh
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EXIT THE NEWS and ENTER THE HOUSE... Theek hai?
11. Mallika Sherbet-lemon
Mallika has the
most interesting website ever created by any human. The title itself will make you go wow. She comes from a small town rustic Jat family and claims to have struggled a lot to make it big in Bollywood. Later, the family refuted her claims and called it a publicity stunt. Sherbet-lemon also starred in the Indian version of Bachelorette. In that show, she expressed he love for Barack Obama and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Blamed. But since they couldn't be a part of her show, she settled down for some "low-life MCP Indian".
Ready to EXIT THE NEWS and ENTER THE HOUSE, to give a live performance of "Happy Birthday Narendra Modiji"
, is Mallika Sherbet-lemon.
12. Ho Ho Honey Singh
"Ho Ho Honey Singh,
Coming your way yo,
Wanna rock the house yo,
Gonna to bring the zing yo,
People call me an MCP talking about my ho,
Ho Ho is just representing Young India bro,
Chetan Baggit did it too,
So if Ho Ho does it too,
What is it to you, JEW?"
- Ho Ho Honey Singh, Rapping to EXIT THE NEWS and ENTER THE HOUSE
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